I was a little saddened by the spectacle of Michael Phelps apologizing profusely and multimedially* for taking a bong rip on his day off. Nobody would have expected him to apologize if he’d drunk a case of beer instead, and I am ashamed to live in a country where we’re expected to publicly pretend that probably the most harmless recreational substance in existence is the nuclear weapon of intoxication and requires a prolonged public mea culpa every time a public figure is caught toking up. But this business with USA Swimming suspending a national hero for three months is a goddamned travesty, and they’ll never get a penny of my money again. Sorry mister Phelps, but I won’t be watching any more televised competitive swimming sanctioned by USA swimming. To paraphrase the late**, great Dan O’Brien: Dear USA Swimming: eat all the dicks.
*–It is a word because I say it’s a word. You can coin shit once you know all the words. It’s a fact. Look it up. Neal Stephenson just proved you can make a whole book using nothing but made-up words. Lewis Carrol taught the whole world a very important lesson using made-up words.
**–Okay, he’s actually not dead at all.
Also available at my Final Days.
