Slang, j0!
I thought I’d share a couple of the terms of art I’ve learned in my years of working technical support:
NMFP: Not My Fucking Problem. The tech support representative’s dream: a problem you don’t share. Specifically, when an issue is due to another vendor’s hardware or software. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jackassinpants, but it looks like the problem is with your WidgetFrobber 9000. I’m afraid I don’t know anything about the WtF 9000, but if you call the good folks over at FreebleNotzer Widgets, I’m sure they’ll get you straightened right out.”
FOAD: Fuck off and Die. What customers are told to do when it’s NMFP. This is not usually conveyed verbatim to the customer, for arcane business reasons, but the intent is the same. See the FreebleNotzer reference above.
KG: Known Good. Pay attention to this one kids: if you have two of something, and you think one of them is broken, then replace the “broken” one with the other. If the problem goes away, you know that the broken one is broken, and that it’s the only thing that’s broken. This can save you from sitting on the phone a couple hours “troubleshooting” while some dipshit who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground slowly comes to the conclusion that the issue is definitely with the power cord.
Luser: The person on the other end of the phone.
LART: Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool. Usually, the “Release” button. Sometimes a referral to the service agreement: “I’m sorry, Mr. StupidLyingDickhead, but lightning damage is clearly an act of god, and not covered under the service agreement. We will be happy to provide a copy of the bill to your insurance company. Have a good day, and, oh, fuck off and die.”
User Manual: A magical device that comes with EVERYTHING COMPLICATED YOU BUY. It contains information about everything the device does, but is only readable by trained, certified technical support personnel.
Recently, some people who make complicated things decided that if they made the manuals REALLY BIG folded sheets of paper, with BRIGHT COLORS and PRETTY PICTURES, and wrote them in English, people would read them.
Unfortunately, research shows that customers only use these instruction sheets to wipe their asses and then (sometimes with the same sheet) kindle fires around which they huddle for warmth while trying to find the power button on their monitor.
When the fire burns out and they have no more light or instruction sheets to burn, they call technical support.
Service Agreement: A user manual for technical support, and used about as often.
Seat Warmer: e.g., the dipshit from the Known Good definition.
The Mute Button: A cruel mistress. The only thing that keeps a tech support guy sane. A missed mute, on the other hand, is responsible for more than a few career-limiting conversations.
Email: The best way to preserve luser stupidity and pass it around so your friends can have a good laugh too. Unfortunately, lusers know this and would rather sit on hold for two hours than ask their question through email.
People who don’t speak english yelling over a cell phone in the center of a huge building surrounded by thousands of cubic feet of computer equipment and enough industrial HVAC capacity to cause nerve deafness, “WHaaaaa? I can no hear you! You can repeat!” for the twentieth time in a row: Fuck those guys.
